"Shoot me now"

Lately, that’s been the phrase of choice. I got it from an old Looney Tunes cartoon, you know the one with Daffy Duck and Bugs Bunny trying to get the other shot by Elmer Fudd, “duck season,” “rabbit season.” They thought they’d employ reverse psychology but it backfired on Daffy and he ended up with his bill sideways. Violent but hilarious. In any case, saying “shoot me now” at work indicates that all hell is breaking loose. You might think that my coveted week-long Thanksgiving break wouldn’t be an appropriate time for saying this sort of thing but after a week of coughing like Mimi in La Boheme and various existential ponderings, I’m feeling like a blast of buckshot might force a moment of clarity.

My best friend called last night. My long-gone Chulo must have missed my one-woman holiday cheer campaign so he text messaged a greeting. I called him all the way in fabulous Manhattan and we chatted same as always, as if miles and months didn’t separate us. On the one hand, I felt the love from across the time zones. I heard about the French bulldog’s new coat and all those celeb sightings(Almodovar at a party!) On the other hand, I realized just how much I miss my boys in the City. With Chulo and his partner gone, I have no solid connection to San Francisco, no reason to hop on BART to catch an indie or foreign film, no one to take me to chic dinners or to window shop in Union Square. Of course, my girls are wonderful and I do those things with them, too, but my boys and I had something special. Plus house music is a mere memory. There’s no one spinning the way Chulo did. Still, I’m grateful we spoke.

So many other thoughts are in my head. A handsome guy smiles at me at the bookstore and then loses himself in his reading(my mom was with me but is that my excuse?) My brother urges me to keep an open mind about my latest frenemy and his inability to call, despite our very public falling-out a few weeks ago. My best friend asked, “Are you dating?” and I hemmed and hawed. I have dreamt of San Jose three nights in a row.

Shoot me now.

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