upside my head

The universe(aka God)often sends us exactly what we wish for, whether that is a job, an apartment, a lover, or a dose of reality. This week I got enough reality for several seasons of every reality show and soap opera on TV. It has been so stressful I’ve been lightheaded and disoriented, like I’ve been shot.
“El hombre propone, Dios dispone.” People love to make plans, set things in stone, calendar away their days. Then life moves forward and we are pulled along with its undertow. Sometimes, life is beautiful. Other times, like this week, it is tragic, infuriating, and daunting. In the last four days, I have lost a friend and a relative, my best friend has lost a relative, and a good friend’s health is in jeopardy. I have cried and prayed. I have forced myself to sleep and work. I have wondered where God is and also found God to be at my side. Like anyone who is wounded, I have struggled to grit my teeth through the pain.
“It’s what I do best.” Acquaintances and friends have always called me a trooper, a survivor, a warrior. I pride myself on my ability to rise from wherever I’ve fallen, despite the blood and pain. Armed with rosary beads and chanted mantras, with Mom’s love and Dad’s hope, protected by my brother’s loyalty and Ruben’s wisdom, I’ve faced abusive lovers, medical implements, and my own demons, with a lump in my throat and strong legs. I know I will never drive to any bridge or empty any medicine cabinet. I will never again draw a blade across my skin or hit my head against any surface. I am going to live and live with the passion that scorches the weak and strains my voice. Like the phoenix tattoed on my skin, I will always live.
So my heart is heavy, bloody, trembling at the prospect of more pain. That’s a good sign.

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