Tag Archive | health

Confessions from Level 8

Jul6

 

FB_IMG_1593886415249The rona had me in her sights.  Like many, I haven’t always made the most conservative decisions for my health lately. I attended church services twice in the past three weeks. I got my hair cut and colored. The loved ones in my social bubble haven’t all been social distancing; one regularly attends family gatherings.  I’m not as cautious as I was a few months ago and have gotten lax with sanitizing surfaces and not singing entire song verses when washing my hands. After my experience this past week, I know I need to do better.    

I first began experiencing symptoms a week ago. Beginning last Sunday, I noticed joint and muscle stiffness, a mild sore throat and low energy. This past Wednesday, my sore throat had intensified and I developed a headache. My temperature hovered around 99.6 most of the day. In adults, that temperature is not considered a fever; it became normal by bedtime.The following day the muscle aches and sore throat had worsened and my digestive system took a turn for the worst. I wasn’t able to keep down any food.  Friday morning I felt better so I did work out at home. My breathing wasn’t labored so I felt encouraged that I was recovering.  Saturday I had wanted to go for a run because I haven’t done so in a few weeks but my joints and muscles were still sore and stiff.  I took my usual Zumba class.  My breathing was fine though my energy was low. That night after our daily walk I felt exhausted and I felt that my chest congestion had worsened. Sunday morning I woke up congested and feeling chest pressure so I called the advice nurse. I was set up for a video call. After we discussed my symptoms, the doctor recommended I get tested for Covid-19. He said my healthcare provider has experienced a shortage of tests and that many were having to wait until the end of the week to be tested.  However because I was experiencing symptoms for several days, he felt that my need to test was urgent. He said he would speak to the supervising doctor about expediting my test. I was called within 20 minutes and given an appointment for 11:40 in the morning. After prayer, meditation and some tears, I headed to my test site.  

I drove into the parking garage where I was directed to park my car until it was my turn for testing. I was then directed to pull into a parking slot where I was finally allowed to lower my window. The nurse described the test process.  It would be both a nasal and oral test with a swab.  Both tonsils and both nostrils would be swabbed. I was told that it would be uncomfortable but that it would be brief.  I was then asked to remove my mask for the oral exam. I was asked to sing ahhh for ten very long seconds. I gagged but it was more uncomfortable than painful. Then we moved on to swabbing the right tonsil. I was directed to place my mask back on while the next test was prepared. I was directed to only lower my mask so my nose was visible. I remembered what a friend had told me about keeping absolutely still during the nasal swab so I tried to not move. As with the oral swab the nurse counted out 10 seconds while swabbing each nostril. I tried not to visualize where the swab was going. I thought of calming images though I wanted to flinch. Then it was over. I was asked to adjust my mask. The nurse told me that negative results would be sent via email and positive results would be communicated through a phone call. She told me to take care of myself. I thanked her and drove out of the parking structure. 

At home I moved into self-isolation. Because I have been taking a class which was due to end Tuesday, I decided to move into our home office. I brought in a sleeping bag and pillow and blanket and sufficient water. I spent the majority of the day completing my class and watching YouTube videos featuring my favorite Pose actors. Earlier that morning I had asked the doctor about exercise. He had said he had no objection so long as I was mindful about not being contagious to others.  I went on my evening walk by myself and wore a mask as usual. As I’ve been doing for many days, I applied Vicks Vapor Rub before going to bed. 

Today I woke up and felt that my chest congestion had dramatically improved. I also saw that I had received an email from my healthcare provider. I knew the news was good.  I am negative for Covid-19. The doctor sent a follow-up email recommending that I continue to self isolate until my symptoms improve and to monitor my health. 

This experience terrified me. While most of my symptoms have subsided, I am still experiencing joint and muscle pain. I’m grateful I don’t have Covid-19 but I am still susceptible to catching a virus. We all are. This is not a hoax. My brother lost a good friend. I have friends who have lost relatives and friends. One of my former students is on life support. We can’t lose sight of what’s most important.  Without our health, we can’t make beautiful memories with those we love. That’s what I most feared, being separated from my daughter and my husband. My eyebrows can wait.  I can attend Mass from the comfort of my desktop.  I can only hope that more of us realize how important it is that we protect ourselves and one another. 

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All my crosses

Aug25

Approximately five months ago, during Lent, I had a negative reaction to a photo a friend had taken of me during that time.  I had been dreading seeing it. Once I did, it struck me in a terrible way, a mixture of anger, disappointment, and indignation.   I often say physical appearance shouldn’t matter but it does. How we look reveals a lot about lifestyle and health. Seeing myself made me feel I had really let others and myself down.  It is a struggle to take better care of myself. It always is and when times are stressful, it is one of the first priorities to shift downwards.  

That night after seeing that photo, I took a mile walk with my dog. I haven’t always felt my age but I do feel older.  It can be disheartening to experience these feelings. That night, I prayed on it. The walk helped me feel better. It was an opportunity to focus on breathing and moving. 

That struggle with my fitness was in keeping with my Lenten journey and in keeping with my personal life journey.  Lent isn’t the only time I assess and reflect on where I am in my life. Reflection isn’t always positive. I don’t always feel that I am growing and evolving. I also ponder why I’m not evolving the way I did two, five or ten years ago. I am my own worst critic and the person with whom I am constantly competing.  My main point of comparison is the person that I once was. I achieved a certain goal in my fitness and I was so proud. Then that level of fitness fell away as I failed to maintain that achievement. I allowed work to wear me down. I was derailed by feelings of inadequacy, fear and failure. But I had enough of the excuses. I knew how to help myself. I had to push through that doubt and fear. The morning after my night time walk, I went to boot camp for the first time in several weeks.  I felt supported by my coaches. It was good to be back in community and encouraging other people who were struggling. It was a powerful return to routines that nurture me.  

 I always have the capacity to change. I don’t always have the will.  It becomes a vicious cycle because then I want to hide and not push myself; this wasn’t the first time I’ve fallen away from being healthy. For example, my prayer life continues to be an area of growth.  I used to waste mornings on social media though I knew it kept me from daily prayer. This choice to bypass discipline frustrates me. I have to consciously work on my willingness to be transformed. 

Discipline is the answer. Since that time, I have consistently worked out 5 to 6 days a week by lifting weights in our home gym, taking samba, hip hop, and kickboxing classes, and working out at my training gym.  I have been praying the Liturgy of the Hours and the rosary daily. There are days when I’m not feeling motivated or forgiving or close to God or even close to myself. But I keep pushing. I am taking up my cross. It is not easy nor will it ever be. At times, it can be painful and inspire tears or anger. But I committed to taking up all my crosses during Lent. All these months later, I’m still moving forward through and past those struggles. When I look at myself in photos, I’m trying to be more compassionate and loving to that ever evolving mujer.  

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Thank you LIzzo for inspiring this costume!

Scenes from a fender bender

Apr28

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A one woman show

 

Why are y’all texting me right now?

Did I not just say that I was in a car accident?

Now I love your thoughts and prayers and well wishes but I’m really not in the mood to answer questions

When these things occur, I want to call my mom. I want to call my boyfriend. I want to see my daughter. I don’t want to give explanations to my co-workers. Granted, that is the first place I called because that was where I was headed when all this happened.

But can we all just calm down with the texts and voicemails?

Y’all are okay. I like you. but you’re not my priority right now. I’m just saying.

 

So how is this going to work  in terms of getting ready for Carnaval? because my costume is super cute. I know I’ve been slacking on my fitness and diet. However I’m ready to eat clean and really hit the gym. I’m going to have to miss samba tonight.  I don’t know what my back is going to feel like tomorrow morning to lift weights. I really wanted to make my cycle class and boot camp this week. This is not working for getting fit for Carnaval. I can’t really do Pilates or much of anything with my back messed up. I’m hoping this is minor. I’ve been in a few car accidents like this in the past where I was just sitting there minding my own business when somebody plowed into me. I know this will be painful and stiff. As if I hadn’t already dealt with stiff joints recently. I won’t be able to turn my head. I had to be on the phone with the insurance and my medical provider before taking any kind of pain medication or icing my neck and back. This is not part of my fitness plan.

It is in these moments that I realize how fragile we are as people. I screamed at the impact. I screamed from shock and fear. It was a primal screen, the scream of a startled animal. I felt  so powerless in that moment. I didn’t know what else was going to happen. Would the impact hurt me? What happened to my car? What if that airbag had deployed? I could have suffered broken ribs or a broken nose. I cried later. I started to think about my daughter. What if it had been more serious? My life didn’t flash before my eyes. I barely  had time to even understand what had happened. I would want my life to flash before my eyes. I would like to remember every moment that’s been meaningful to me. Every moment is meaningful, even those moments when I’m incredibly weak and not my best self, like when I’m reprimanding my daughter over something stupid or snapping at my spouse over something stupid. I take it all for granted. I had a Thornton Wilder Our Town moment of realizing how precious it all is: the spilled orange juice, the dirty dishes in the sink, the dirty dishes in the sink, the funny text messages with friends, work being so tedious, steamed spinach, cold water. I don’t want to leave my daughter. I wouldn’t want her to cry or need me or miss me for the rest of her life.  I’m grateful that I’m all right because I can see M again, hold her, and tell her I love her. I can’t promise her anything because it’s not mine to promise.

On the plus side, I get some time off. God knows I’m done with the tomfoolery at work.  I’m so ready for spring break. I’m going to read and watch Netflix. I aspire to be a woman of leisure. Hand me the ice pack and remote.

Mental makeover

Apr2

I’m talking to the priest
The high priest
And everybody out there in the universe
If what I’m saying is wrong
Then tell me the right way to say it
Cause I wanna be made over  from “Tina’s Wish,” as performed by Tina Turner

Physical transformations don’t always lead to mental makeovers.  I recently discussed this fact with a friend. Both of us have taken part in fitness challenges. Both of us have experienced weight loss and made great gains in muscle tone. Both of us have lost some of those gains in recent months. Both of us have a different perception of our fitness level than others. For many of us who struggle to be fit and healthy, our mind continues to tell us that we are not.

 

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Samba queen selfie, late February 

The most difficult part of being fit is consistency. I am constantly struggling to strike a balance between family, work, chores, church, dance, and sleep. Fitness can get lost in the shuffle. How I eat is especially prone to changes. Sometimes, I skip meals or grab something unhealthy to go when I do not carve out time to cook or meal prep. I can be inconsistent about my choices. I know many fellow principals who don’t eat until 4 p.m.; often times they stop at a drive-thru and eat during afterschool meetings.  I know what I need to do to eat healthy. The challenge is having the discipline to make it happen.

 

When I was at my most fit last year before Carnaval,  I was happy with how strong I felt. I liked how clothes fit me. But my Carnaval experience ended on such a negative note that I lost sight of why I had worked so hard. I worked hard for myself and to be an example of health for my daughter, not for some costume. Fitness is a gift to myself, not as a challenge to accomplish. I can’t get back into shape for thirty days or six weeks or to look fabulous on Carnaval morning.

So how do I transform my mind? I used to do morning affirmations. Maybe it’s time to give the woman in the mirror more pep talks.  Today, I told myself, “I am strong and I will get stronger.”

Unlikely transformation

Mar25
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St. Paul Healing the Cripple by Karel Dujardin

Recently, I had a mystery illness. I woke up itchy one Friday morning. I realized that I was covered in hives. My entire body was red and splotchy. I called the advice nurse. I was told to take some antihistamines. I started with Claritin. I was told to also take Benadryl on top of that.  I was worried about being groggy so I did not take it during work hours. The Claritin was supposed to work within 2 hours. It did not so I ended up seeing my doctor that afternoon. I have seen her for decades so she knows my story and how my anxiety might be resurfacing.

I have grappled with chronic illness. I believe my condition is stress-related. My doctor disagrees because she feels like I’m very committed to self care.  She feels that I have bounced back from my inflammatory condition which hasn’t flared up in over two years. I take daily medication twice a day which I will likely do for the rest of my life. As part of my workout regimen, I take a multivitamin, flaxseed oil, and vitamin C. I also take digestive supplements ever since I lost my gallbladder.  My doctor agreed that the recent workload at my job sounds really stressful. She did also point that many colds and flu viruses this year have come with some unusual symptoms like hives. Between a state audit of records and preparing for accreditation at work (the thought makes me feel I’ll break out in hives again) and M’s dance competition, I have had quite the month of March. The hives eventually subsided but then I began to experience joint pain and swelling in my fingers, feet, ankles, knees and wrists.  My body has been known to retain water whether it is due to hormones, being 45 and a woman, salty snacks being my weakness or the fact that I’ve been drinking a lot more Starbucks chai tea to stay awake and for energy. ( No esta bien because I am supposed to avoid non-herbal teas that can cause inflammation. ) I sometimes get sore muscles from working out but stiff joints was new for me. I didn’t know if it was my age or a virus but I did let my doctor know about these new symptoms.

I had my moment of drama, my woe is me, what is happening, is this yet another health challenge. The surgery that resulted due to my inflammatory disease was followed by gallbladder removal the following summer.  Experiencing those illnesses brought me spiritual growth.

I recently read Kathleen Norris’ wonderful memoir Acedia and Me. While the book mainly focuses on the detrimental effects of acedia, the book is also about her husband’s debilitating cancer and ultimately his death.  I feel she is one of the great spiritual writers in that she lives in our world and relates traditions from monastic life to our hectic world. It makes sense that some monastic practices can feed us. I also agree with Norris that illness, pain and grief can serve as sources of inspiration and clarity. My own health challenges over the years have given me clarity about my life, purpose, passions and faith . I could not have reached certain conclusions about my values if I had not been ill. I sometimes forget I have been hindered in the past so this mystery illness worried me. I don’t ever take my health for granted

When I began to experience joint pain, I could have easily decided to sit on my couch and treating myself with  Biofreeze or ice packs. Instead I powered through and went to bootcamp. It was a struggle; I couldn’t push myself as hard as usual. Eventually the swelling subsided. My joints got better. The patron saint of joint pain is St. Albert so I can add his name to the litany. Whatever illness I experience I give over to God. I can transform illness into inspiration.