old patterns

Did I hit my head and become 15 again? I am recovering from depression. I have strong romantic feelings for my male confidant/close friend. I am about to embark on a journey of therapy and support groups. But nearly twenty years have passed(especially in the last 24 hours.)

What did I learn from that childhood experience? I learned that you can learn to love the sunshine again. I learned that talking about your problems, recognizing them, embracing them is part and parcel of living with integrity. I learned that friendship takes precedence over desire. I learned that truth is liberating. I know all these things now but I didn’t know them then. I lost the original Warrior because my romantic love for him superseded my gratitude to him. But I began what has been a long journey to recovery and wholeness. That loss opened my heart to myself. Back then, Warrior was my reason for living. Today, I have to live for me first.

So what now? Tomorrow I have orientation to my new program. Tomorrow I will hopefully wake up from several more hours of sleep and less tears. And in a few days, my friend will be back in my life and I will need to move forward from there.

I’m not 15. I’m not bound by my past.

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