night of reckoning…or not?

The cab light is back off and the man of my nightmares is still just not that into me. I have seemingly moved on with my day-to-day routine and my non-dating status. In reality, I’m an anxious mess. My stomach is aflutter but not in the cutesy crush way. I feel as I’m walking a plank into tiger-shark infested waters. Ironically, I’m headed to a young adult Catholic gathering which I once thought would shelter me from such melodrama. Too bad there’s no dance floor where I could shake these silly thoughts.

Paradox continues to dominate my subconscious, whether he is making a cameo in my dreams or running through my mind during a beer buzz. I decided last month, after the last 1st Sunday night dinner with the Catholics, that I detest him because I really don’t. He is still attractive and intriguing despite all his negative qualities. I can’t seem to let it go even when he refuses to even speak to me. He has unequivocally declared his refusal to face me and my frightening anger. Another irony, given that we only talked on St. Patrick’s night and somehow he has a sense of my scariness. This was not the way it was supposed to be.

I still can’t seem to function around men. Friday, Lisabet and I went to a new Caribbean club. A tall guy in a guayabera(can’t help but be a sucker for those) came over to my table as I watched my friends dancing. He said he was looking for his beer and pointed at our two Coronas. I told him I was having trouble finding mine myself. He then lingered for at least a minute, neither of us saying anything. Inside my head, I was coming up with witty comebacks but in the club, I was as clueless as I was when first dealing with Paradox. Later on, Guayabera came to say goodbye and we shook hands. I had my chance to say I hoped I’d see him again but no. In the words of my movie crush, Harold Lee, “I’m worthless.”

On the other hand, I will need to stand firm tonight. I can’t let anything Paradox does or says rattle me. I can’t let him see how he is still getting to me. As I said about my writing, I have to leap into the waters of dealing with men once again, sharp teeth below or not.

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