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My choice

Sep6
“The haters gonna hate, hate, hate…” Taylor Swift, “Shake It Off”
What would it be like to begin each day in anger?  What would it be like to step out of my car and feel my breath get shallow, my neck stiffen, my stomach seize,  and my jaw clench?  What would cross my mind as I enter a room full of people I can’t stand?  How would I address these people whom I fail to understand and respect?  I might rush away from them, to my own work space, to my daily duties, to the clients and their incessant complaints.  How would I make it through each second, each minute, each day, with my heart pounding away in rage?
I wouldn’t. I would drop dead.  If the physical toll didn’t force me to a doctor’s office, I would quit.  I once left my car in an apartment complex parking lot, took BART all the way from Berkeley to San Leandro, walked three miles to my mom’s house after 11 at night because I couldn’t take a tense, angry environment.  That’s me.  I truly cannot understand how it is physically and mentally possible to live that way.
Now has M said that I have moments in which I’m mad like Ren in that one episode of Ren and Stimpy?
Yes.  Am I sometimes enojona?
Yes. I’m human. I’m as overscheduled and overwhelmed as the next person. But am I constantly negative? Hell no. I’ve invested too many hours(and therefore lots of money)into redirecting my mind to a place of health and happiness. Nothing will move me back to that low place. Life is too precious.
As happens in life, I do cross paths daily with folks who struggle to see things the way I do. In fact, they criticize and reject me(if only behind closed doors.)
Now I may fantasize about going down several levels and reacting in anger.
But I won’t give them the satisfaction.  Instead, I breathe deeply. I smile. I speak my truth. I keep my goals in mind. When I get into the comfort of my vehicle at the end of a rough day, I listen to my favorite gospel singer. When I get home, I speak to my man and call or text my friends for advice. I send funny memes to others affected by these people. I hug my child. I pray for comfort. I pray for the strength to be kind.
“You can get with this,

or you can get with that,

 

I think you’ll get with this, for this is where it’s at”

 

Because as the Black Sheep once said, the choice is yours. I choose to move forward in love and joy.

Oasis

Apr4
“In the sweet territory of silence we touch the mystery. It’s the place of reflection and contemplation, and it’s the place where we can connect with the deep knowing, to the deep wisdom way.” Angeles Arrien
“What makes the desert beautiful is that somewhere it hides a well.” Antoine Saint-Exupery
I am nearing the end of my 40 days in the desert of my own making. While I have felt isolated at times, the positive changes I have experienced have made up for the occasional duda.
For 40 days, I have renewed my commitment to contemplation. I began my mornings with Dynamic Catholic’s “Best Lent Ever”, a collection of videos featuring author Matthew Kelly, quotes, and questions meant to prompt reflection on readings and themes. I now write in my Mass journal during every Mass I attend. I have committed to spiritual reading as a daily practice.
In 40 days, my professional life underwent a significant transformation. I went from being fearful, complacent, and exhausted to feeling empowered, focused, and re-energized. All it took was heart-to-heart chats with my credential coach and my longtime mentor and most importantly, prayer. I prayed for clarity and strength. Reading Father Greg Boyle’s Tattoos on the Heart helped me revisit my commitment to young people. I needed to revisit “vocation” and “mission” over “job” and “career.”  
In 40 days, I have realized that disconnection can lead to reconnection. I am still seeing friends, taking my daughter on adventures, and communicating with folks who make me laugh. I haven’t missed the noise and information overload that often makes me want to give up social networking altogether.
For 40 days, I have read and listened to more books than I have in years. I read M her first chapter book, Charlotte’s Web.  M has declared “books are magic.” 
Caral Peru.
Photo by Julie Ann Calderon. 

Every year, I cherish my Lenten experience. Then, on Easter Sunday night, I promptly return to my old habits. But, now, with another surgery expected in summer, I need to do what nurtures my family, my health, and my faith. I resolve to stay in the desert every day.  

All I really need to know I learned watching The Exorcist

Sep20
“Especially important is the warning to avoid conversations with the demon. We may ask what is relevant. Anything beyond that is dangerous. He’s a liar. The demon is a liar. He would like to confuse us. But he will also mix lies with the truth to attack us. The attack is psychological, powerful. So don’t listen. Remember that. Do not listen.” Father Merrin to Father Karras, The Exorcist
For most of my life, my fear of evil understandably overwhelmed me. From my childhood ponderings about good and evil to my adulthood grappling with evil in the people I encountered in my personal life, I often felt passive and powerless. I often felt as if I had barely escaped a terrible fate. Working as a teacher and administrator in environments where violence was a harsh reality, I began to realize that societal evil could be battled through strength of mind and heart. If I could be stable, focused, and compassionate, I might be able to reach those affected by the negativity and hatred in the world. An incident with a particularly memorable student helped me reframe my thinking and lessen my fears. (Half-hour with the Devil, 2006) Changes in my personal life helped build my strength.
But evil ain’t goin’ nowhere. It’s everywhere. In  Ferguson.   In Oakland. It might even sit across the table from you at work. I come to the table, both literal and figurative, with all kinds of experience and training. But some people and the situations they create require a different set of skills and more importantly, a unique mindset. So I go back, way back, to a moment that shaped me. I go back to the movie that has had a strong impact on me, The Exorcist.
Lately I have realized that the horror film offers some practical advice. In preparing themselves to face a monstrous demon, the two priests must strategize.  The veteran exorcist(for y’all who haven’t watched and dissected this movie dozens of times like I have, the title refers to the man with a tough job, not the poor girl victim)mentors his younger helper. He points out that even conversation can kill.   
Y alli lo tienes. Because if you’ve read this far, you know I’m not talking about the movie. The advice given can apply to any situation in which you meet with someone who takes actions that purposefully hurt you or others and whose words are weapons. Speak your truth and shut out their negative energy. 
I played this clip three times yesterday, once on my desktop and twice on my phone.Do Not Listen from The Exorcist 
I played it before I went behind closed doors with my mentor to confront evil.  We walked out safely. But the battle has just begun. 
Perhaps I should acquire some holy water. 

From one Moon Child to another

Jun15

I have a soft spot for fellow Crabs(those with birthdays between June 22 and July 21.) I can tell who they are almost instantly. They’re the ones with the sharp wit, the mood swings, the heart of gold, the chip on the shoulder, and the eyes that fill easily with tears of joy, frustration, anger, and sorrow. I have had many of them as students and once I know they are kindred spirits, our natural rapport seems stronger.

Moody has been part of student government since freshman year and has been my loyal sidekick during my first two years as an administrator. He has faithfully watched the ticket table at football games, basketball games, and dances. Like me, he is smart, sassy, and slightly overwhelmed most of the time. He graduated this past week and wanted me to sign his yearbook.
“Let me take one of these.” He reached for my business card.
“Feel free to contact me whenever.”
“I will try. I can’t guarantee I will.”
“No worries. It’s your time to get out into the world.”
“I’m scared.”
“Why?”
“I’m going to be alone.”
What? Is the kid reading my mind? Isn’t that my biggest fear?
I took a deep breath and looked him in his doleful brown eyes.
“In reality, we are always alone.”
“True.”
“You’ll be fine.”
“I hope so.”
“I know you will be.”

Because if I can make it, any Moon Child or Moody can.