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Year of change

Jan5

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Nothing of him that doth fade, But doth suffer a sea-change, into something rich and strange…Shakespeare, The Tempest

Two weeks ago, one of my dance sisters asked us on Facebook to share highlights from the past year. I shared that I celebrated 10 years with my boyfriend and that I walked away from toxic personal and professional situations.  In a year of change, I struggled with the latter the most.  It’s never easy to walk away from people or relationships, even those that hurt us. We hang onto to what’s familiar. Pero es necesario para seguir adelante.

Quien soy yo para decir que algo es dañino?  Welp, that’s it. I decide what or who is toxic to me. If I can no longer grow within a relationship, whatever kind it may be, it’s harmful. This is not to say a toxic situation cannot have positive aspects. I loved my last job; there were only a few toxic individuals that I could no longer tolerate. It is my right to say enough already. More importantly, it was time to test my confidence and leadership. Best decision of 2017! In my personal life, I made the decision to distance myself from a group with which I had worked for many years. I created beautiful memories and felt great joy during most of my time with them. But the cons greatly outweighed the pros this past year. So I made the decision to walk away.

The second half of last year was tough due to adjusting to all the changes. I experienced grief over the loss of familiar faces and experiences. Yo tuve que hacerlo por mi. I have to live with myself. I have to get up every morning and feel good about who I am. I choose to do the things that are going to help me grow and make me feel good about myself.

Though I took a break from writing, I have been doing what feeds my soul. I have continued to dance. My samba teacher is nurturing and loving. She was exactly who I needed at this time. It is so important to be seen, heard, and encouraged.  I needed that one-on-one support, not only in dance technique and style, but as a woman.

I have exercised every day during the winter break. I admit I can be an emotional eater and also that I can lose motivation when anxious or sad; this time of transition tested me and won.  Pero se acabo.  I will get back on track with my physical fitness; I will do the work. But I don’t want it to happen because #carnavalsooncome. I want to stay fit because it will be best for my overall health.

I ended the year with the friends who have been in my life for decades who know, love, accept and embrace me. Al fin y al cabo, I alone choose who and what will help me grow. Sea changes help me see changes.

Mindful eating, chapter 2

Oct11
A year’s progress

One frazzled evening two weeks ago, I rushed home. I claimed it was to do dishes but it was actually to fall back into an old habit. The stress created by my hectic post-work schedule proved to be too much. I grabbed a bag of almost-stale tortilla chips and poured out some salsa into a dish. Estaba desesperada but that is no excuse.  Because after all I have been through in my quest to achieve wellness, I know crunching away on fatty food will only make things worse. So I stopped myself.  That night,we took the dog for a walk.

On the morning of October 3rd, the scale read 122.8. I haven’t been in healthy weight range since my early 20s. I didn’t believe it at first. I had accepted my typical weight of 131 as a fact that couldn’t be changed. I have justified the cycles of weight gains as a result of my age, hormones, busy schedule, culture, and genetics. But two different scale readings and the ever-increasing bagginess of my clothes told the truth. I did it!

The secret, as I have stated in previous posts, isn’t in getting your gallbladder removed or in starving yourself or in exercising non-stop. It is changing daily habits. During the work week, I pack a big salad for lunch.  It consists of Trader Joe’s Cruciferous Crunch, garbanzo beans, and any vegetables I want to add. I dress my my salad with a Trader Joe’s vinaigrette or simply balsamic vinegar mixed with Trader Joe’s 21 Seasoning Salute or lemon juice.  I make an effort to have home-cooked meals for dinner daily even if it means cooking two to three meals on a Sunday.  The freezer is my friend!  The Crock-Pot is a good friend, too. Perhaps the most significant change in habit is hydration. I fill my water bottle at least once a day but ideally twice a day and drink water consistently every day. It has made a difference. I have less cravings when I am hydrated and I feel better overall.

Hydration bottle by Hydr-8

My journey to wellness isn’t over. I plan to work on my overall muscle tone, strength, and endurance so that I can become a better runner and dancer.  I plan to continue to clean up my eating habits so that I have fewer flareups of my inflammatory condition and overall improved immunity. I got this!

Seatbelt fastened

Jun5
“Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy night.” Margo Channing in All about Eve



My latest IGM flare-up has been an emotional roller coaster. After my initial worry and the subsequent sense of acceptance, I began to experience anger. It began as a slow simmer while at work.  By the time I came home from this week’s biopsy, I was livid.  I was angry at the physical pain. I was angry at my body and its apparent ongoing weakness.  Mostly, I was angry at the behavior of certain individuals who conduct themselves with negativity, rudeness, and disrespect on a daily basis; I straight up questioned why they are well. I even said I could punch a specific person.
If Rambo hadn’t been present, I might have thrown a few things.  But those moments pass.
Then there was the waiting. It has been so hectic at work that I haven’t had the time to dwell on the possibilities. Once that call came through (of course it had to happen at work), there was the relief.  I am still cancer free.  But I still have an infection so the journey to healing continues. 
Faith is a must as I handle living with a chronic illness. One of my samba sisters had issued a Bible verse challenge nearly a week ago, a day after I discovered the lump. Every day I have shared a Bible verse on social media. These particular verses inspire hope in me while I reflect on my personal experiences. It has been a practice that has helped me focus on the positive.
One of the positives was meeting my new specialist. My previous specialist, known as the local expert of IGM, retired. Fortunately, I was able to get a Tuesday afternoon appointment after my Friday morning call. I rescheduled due to having the biopsy to Friday afternoon, always a good day to get good news. He is of the opinion that the infection I have is simply that and is not necessarily a flare-up. He did not recommend an additional round of antibiotics and is confident we can avoid invasive procedures this summer. He also said I could resume exercise so long as I stay aware of discomfort and pain.

My health may present occasional challenges but la vida continua(life goes on.) I had already planned to have my gall bladder removed in a few weeks so that will happen(see previous blog at http://mujerevolving.blogspot.com/2015/03/an-old-friend-resurfaces.html.) June is full of M’s dance performances.  Carnaval with SambaFunk continues through various celebrations. As I was once told by King Theo, healing is mine! 

The other shoe drops

May30

I suppose I forgot. With all the glitter and feathers and glorious, glorious purples all around us, I was lulled into forgetfulness. But that 20/20 hindsight soon kicks into high gear, especially when you’re waiting for an hour or more in a waiting room or examination room, and then I remember the clues. The twinges of pain Sunday morning and Monday morning. The low energy which I thought was a symptom of a ressaca do carnaval(post-Carnaval “hangover”, quite similar to the post-race blues I experience after half-marathons). The inability to sleep on either side without discomfort Thursday night worried me most. Friday morning it became all too familiar. 
I am so in tune with my body now that I know when something has shifted. So in saying I forgot, I have not forgotten that my health must come first. I remember to take my daily pills. I know to call the doctor as soon as I notice something. I know to take the earliest appointments. I remember the pain and its accompanying emotions; I can admit I purposefully let go of my memories of those. Now I accept them. I let the tears fall, if only in the safety of my car in the hospital parking lot. I ask the questions of God and my body, if only in my head.
Since my last relapse, I have learned how to better manage my illness. Through the work I did with M’s wonderful counselor, I know to keep any negative emotions or serious conversations about my health private, shared only with Rambo or other adults. In terms of my physical health, I know the next steps well and can mentally prepare myself for the physical discomforts that may result. I know to pray and pray some more. I know to ask for prayers. 
This morning, I registered for my 16thhalf-marathon to be done this November. Because I know to move forward.