“Sounds of laughter, shades of life
Are ringing through my opened ears
Inciting and inviting me.
Limitless undying love, which
Shines around me like a million suns,
It calls me on and on across the universe” The Beatles
This morning, it feels like a hundred years have passed since you died and yet it seems I talked to you last week. As a matter of fact, I talked to you on Sunday during that last mile of my ninth half-marathon. I asked you to help me do it. I told you I wanted to quit. Every time I want to give up on something, whether it is running or work or any other challenge, I talk to you. In death as in life, you continue to be a coach. You push me and I am grateful.
My world has changed so much. I am the happy mother of the most amazing child. She knows you as her uncle in heaven. I know you would have liked her.
I am still teaching across the boulevard for the cross town rival. While it is a dark, demoralizing time for most teachers, and I can’t lie and say I don’t struggle with low morale, I still love what I always loved: the kids, the books, the conversations. When I get too assistant principal with my students, I try to channel you and be more of a coach and more of a kid.
The greatest change is that I embrace life. Life used to be such a struggle for me. It is ironic that I had to lose so much before I could finally love this great gift of life. I am humbled and grateful.
I know you are well. I like to picture you driving that gold Camaro down the Pacific Coast highway, blasting LL Cool J.
Note: I know my child will someday speak/write/think for himself/herself. But for now, his presence within me inspires these thoughts.
In heaven, the unborn and the dead are friends. They mix and mingle in the ongoing celebration. It is always sunny and warm. There is always dancing. My baby gets to party with my godfather and my Play Brother, with my friend from high school and the cute Australian actor. They dance to early 80s New wave, disco, and whatever feels good. Everyone wears a favorite outfit and they are in their best state of health and beauty. So my nino is young and strong. My Play Brother is at his Cutie Pie best.
The party is better than a 1990s Sunday at the Endup.