Wayward shepherd

Nov27

“’And I’m the tyranny of evil men. But I’m tryin’. I’m tryin’ real hard to be a shepherd.’” Pulp Fiction, Quentin Tarantino

As I did exactly a year ago(An Advent first), I began my Advent fast after evening Mass. The morning has been one of silence: the silence of a smartphone used merely as phone and not social media device, the silence involved with a nutritional cleanse, and as hoped annually, the silence of prayer. I prayed the Liturgy of the Hours for the first time in months. It felt wonderful to be grateful and to be still. However, soy realista and I own who I am. This will be a struggle as it was last year(Ruining Advent.) It’s possible that by tomorrow, my emotions will get the best of me and my thoughts will run ragged. Como decia Cantinflas, ahi esta el detalle.

My biggest challenge isn’t my compulsion to be online. It is my propensity for negative emotions and thoughts.

Gossip, sarcasm, and shade throwing may be humorous and entertaining but they also allow me to give voice and free reign to anger, resentment, and meanness. As evidenced by this year’s Kermit meme of the moment(and I do love me some Kermit, My love of Kermit memes), everyone struggles with their dark side.
I’m not the only one who feels that the f@#*ery is too much at times. But I’m the only person who can control how I act and think given the situations and people around me.

Recently, within hours of declaring myself unwilling to deal with negative online conversations about the election(Holding the door open,) I became engaged in an online debate about immigration with someone I’ve known since the eighth grade. In the past, we’ve been able to respectfully disagree. This time, I couldn’t believe the angry tone that was taken. While I pointed out facts, my acquaintance responded with vitriolic statements. When I realized I couldn’t argue with logic and reason, I took the step of silencing the discussion by blocking my account.

I flirted with the idea of sharing screen shots of the conversation or of composing a blog about the situation. I’m glad I didn’t follow through on those actions. I would have gained nothing other than temporary satisfaction. While I’m hilarious when I’m petty, I do more good when I keep those cruel thoughts quiet.

The daily struggle will be one mostly within me. I will have to be mindful and purposeful. Every day, I will have the opportunity to be my best self. Every day will be another day to sustain the peace offered by silence and compassion. May I fast from the noise of anger.

Holding the door open

Nov11

I am a woman of patience. Too much patience, I sometimes think, but in my line of work, it is essential. That being said, I grapple with my tendency to be mild with folks, even as they work my last nerve. I can occasionally channel my #innermongoose.(A fearless favorite) On a day to day basis, I tend to keep my thoughts to myself.

Since Election Night, I have experienced many emotions. Grief is a messy process and it is different for everyone.

Through social media, well-meaning friends and acquaintances have posted, either in their own words or via shared images and articles, that it’s time for everyone to move on. I have been asked to choose love, to hug more, to open doors for strangers, and even to pray for the president-elect. I have been questioned about love for my country, regard for unborn children, and even the way I am parenting my child through this crisis. And, sabes que, I have had enough. Ya me tienen harta. Tu no me mandas!

Not you, not anyone, other than the Lord and sometimes my mama or daddy. Tu quien eres?

Tu no me mandas.

I can cry, rant, curse, laugh, and react in any way I want. I can take to the streets in protest. I can declare the president-elect #NotmyPresident. If you don’t like what I have to say or do, GTFO. Vete. Largate. Borrate. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out. I am done.

This morning, I unfollowed a fellow blogger. She’s likable and well-spoken. I respect her enough to head out on my way. She’s entitled to her opinions. She is standing strong in them. So am I. There’s nothing to be gained by trying to change her mind and sharing my judgments with her. She will believe as she does. I will believe as I do. With one difference. She has a privilege I do not. It’s easy to tell people how they should be feeling and acting when it’s safe for you to do so. The most dangerous of the president-elect’s followers won’t attack her. While I can exit stage left on any conversation that makes me uncomfortable, I can’t escape reality.

In the days, weeks, months, and years to come, I have to be prepared for the worst that could happen. I have to arm (yes, I said “arm”) my only child with the knowledge and skills to grow up into an empowered woman of color. (Mothering a warrior)These are our lives. These are our rights. If you can’t understand or respect that, then let’s wish each other well.

An Advent first

Nov27

For some people, the idea of fasting is that of un castigo, that you only do so out of obligation or guilt. But others have held that fasting helps prepare the mind and body for more focus and stillness. Coupled with meditation or any other form of contemplative practice, it can serve as a retreat or recharge. With Lent months away, I have long pondered the possibility of an Advent fast. As happened last year, the folks at Dynamic Catholic are launching a daily routine of spiritual exercises in honor of Advent. So, in addition to taking part in that four-week series, I will be fasting from my smartphone/social media habit for Advent.

I have discussed my problematic phone use in the past (http://mujerevolving.blogspot.com/2012/01/smartphones-killed-personal-bond.html)What used to be entertainment is now a compulsion. Like emotional eating, it kills time but ultimately provides no real positive results. Both Rambo and M have expressed their frustration with this fourth family member. If my phone is in hand, chances are I’m not engaged in what is happening around me.

Now I can leave my phone on my charger at home. I can leave it locked up in the car. I can turn off the data and only use wi-fi. These are temporary fixes. I enjoy learning more about my friends’ personal experiences and political views. I love reading interesting articles shared by like-minded people. I find communicating with many of my friends via Facebook and Instagram easier. But I need a break.

From Antoine Geiger’s “Sur-Fake”

The next few weeks at work will bring challenges I have never confronted. I will need to be strong, patient, and thoughtful. More than ever, my family, my passions, and my faith will empower me during this experience. In the quiet of my retreat, I will contemplate all good things.

Realities over ribbons

Nov11

Approximately 1.8 million Californians are military veterans (http://www.va.gov/vetdata/veteran_population.asp). I know many military families including those still on active duty. Of these families, I don’t know any quite like ours. Besides Rambo and the occasional visits from his Army brothers, I don’t often have the opportunity to discuss the realities we experience. Our family and trusted friends have some understanding of what that has been and is but the average acquaintance has no clue.

There’s no yellow ribbon magnet on my car. I don’t have an Army wife hoodie. We don’t fly a flag near our front porch. I have nothing against these well-meaning gestures. But I do have a problem with the social media frenzy we will see today on Veterans’ Day and again on Memorial Day.

I blame Bradley Cooper and his baby face. It’s true he gained 40 or more pounds but that earnest look of his warmed the hearts of many as American Sniper became the movie to watch in 2014. Rambo and I had already decided we would not see the film; we avoid triggering material. Facebook status updates and Instagram posts urged everyone to see the film, wear or fly the Stars and Stripes, and love our vets. I cringed each time. I never addressed anyone via inbox message or text or phone call. Instead, I complained to Rambo about the person’s ignorance or insensitivity. Rambo encouraged me, as he does day in and day out, to address my friend or acquaintance and share my frustrations. After the Oscars, the movie buzz died down along with “veterans” trending online.

Loving a vet isn’t a meme to be shared; it is my life. So much has happened in eight years. No Hollywood blockbuster could ever effectively present our truth. On this Veterans’ Day, I would encourage folks to reach out to a veteran and learn about the reality of having served in the US military—and coming home. What you learn won’t be pretty, glamorous, or particularly heartwarming. But you will have a deeper understanding of who these men and women are