4 Challenges in 40 Days

“Long have I waited

For your coming home to me

And living deeply our new lives…” “Hosea” by John Michael Talbot.

lent-2017

This Lent, I am taking on a 40 blogs for 40 days as part of the 4 Lenten challenges I will be completing.

One challenge is joining the now-viral #40bagsin40days challenge to clear up clutter. This has been an ongoing challenge. I have read Marie Kondo’s book, The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up, which had an impact on my wardrobe. I have also read numerous blogs and articles on thrift shopping and capsule closets which changed how I purchase and keep clothing and shoes. However it is a work in progress as clutter continues to consistently affect our home and my office at work. Purging daily, whether it is paper clutter or material items I don’t need, will clear space. I don’t need much. What I need is love, family, discipline, and positive outlets. I have those blessings in place. It’s a matter of clearing space, energy, and time to truly enjoy them.

Rather than completely fasting from Facebook, I will be reducing my presence on social media. If I’m doing a 40 day writing challenge, social media is the best way to share my work. I will use social media purposefully. I will post images and links related to my Lenten challenges and reflections. Another reason to revisit this traditional practice of reducing my time online is my actual enjoyment of this fast. Fasting from social media has gotten easier. I don’t want my Lenten challenges to feel as if they are not sacrifices such as “Oh I’m giving up chocolate.” I moved away from that type of material sacrifice years ago because it doesn’t change me from within. Giving up Facebook and not posting status updates or sharing memes does not make me any less petty. Usually I get back online Easter Sunday and I’m posting a blog about how fulano de tal ruined my Lent. It’s not pure pettiness; there is some reflection involved. Being off line is no easy fix. I will move past venting through my writing over the course of these 40 days.

A challenge I began in therapy and within my immediate family is my commitment to stop being a mean mommy.(Can-do attitude)M has always been articulate in expressing her opinions and feelings. While she is outwardly not thin-skinned, she’s much more sensitive than when she was 7. When I hear her say, “you’re mad at me”, “you’re mean to me” or use negative self-talk like “it’s my fault that…”, I cringe. I am responsible for prompting my child to second-guess herself. In these 40 days, I will make a conscious effort to hold my tongue, monitor my body language and facial expressions, and modulate my tone of voice. I will be firm and tough but do it in a way that is nurturing, not demoralizing. Given our family’s histories, M is prone to anxiety. I will not be an additional stressor in her life. I want M to look at our relationship as one that strengthens her.

Finally, I will pray more in these 40 days. M and I will be praying the rosary during our commutes again. Instead of listening to New Edition during my morning drive to work(I’m not swearing off NE for 40 days! That blog is forthcoming), I will listen to gospel music.I will do some spiritual reading. I will participate in Best Lent Ever through Dynamic Catholic. This program has changed the way I experience Lent. Lent has become a beloved season which I anticipate yearly. I love what Lent offers my family, my prayer life, what it does for my relationship with myself and ultimately my relationship with God. God bless.

ash-wednesday-376x192

To learn more about the #40bagsin40days, visit 40 bags in 40 days

To join Dynamic Catholic for the next 40 days, sign up at Best Lent Ever

Year of milagros

Dec30

“They don’t always happen when you ask

And it’s easy to give in to your fears…

A small but still resilient voice

Says hope is very near…” From “When You Believe”

Nearly five years ago, I organized a musical variety show with dance performances by family and friends for my 40^th birthday party.(Turning 40) Originally I had planned to do a lip sync duet of one of my favorite diva power ballads, “When You Believe” but the number was eventually shelved. mariah-carey-whitney-performed-when-you-believe-during This particular Oscar-winning song is a favorite not only because it features two great singers, Whitney and Mariah, in all their diva glory; it’s also an uplifting anthem from one of Rambo’s favorite Bible-inspired films, The Prince of Egypt. The movie follows a young Moses as he realizes his call to deliver his people. The lyrics adequately capture the struggle to remain faithful to your mission and purpose in the face of challenges. It isn’t a theme song for a 40^th birthday; it’s a theme song for any year and any occasion.

I have been pondering those song lyrics in the last day or so. Because despite moments straight out of the Twilight Zone 15727206_236100280160973_5711380463324119652_n and the very real tears I shed for Prince and Juan Ga, 14191976_10154684379132784_285972347186439489_n

this was a year of miracles. It is a miracle I didn’t undergo major surgery this year. It is a miracle I didn’t put these hands on certain individuals. It is a miracle I fought and ultimately vanquished an enemy. 15676564_10155117829802784_4985360818320789856_o This is not hyperbole. It is real. It happened. Prayers were answered. I experienced miracles. 191-jesus-casting-out-demons

No fue fácil. I can’t deny this has been a year of new challenges, ones I continue to confront daily. There are days when I weep, curse, and waver. As I have shared in previous posts, I pray. I pray at my desk at work. I pray in doorways. I pray in my car as I pull into parking spots. I pray before phone calls or face to face conversations. Prayer will continue to be a source of strength. As the title of this blog indicates, I push myself. I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone personally, professionally, emotionally, even physically this year. When I’m struggling to lift a weight or run that length, I think of my challenges, of those people and situations that are testing me. I push like hell. I may not be as strong as I want to be but I am not weak. I refuse to be.

I can’t get on the forget 2016 bandwagon. Every phase of our lives brings us pain, sorrow, success, and joy. It is my choice to receive and make miracles.

Right on schedule

Dec17

lemonade-e-juice

“He’s a God you can’t hurry,

You don’t have to worry;

He may not come when you want Him

But he’s right on time, right on time. “Traditional Gospel hymn

I have refused to give up on this Advent. (Last year’s Advent of struggle ) As expected, I have been put to the test during this season. On one hand, I have a wounded dragon heaving its last toxic breaths.

Vandervals’ “Wounded Dragon”

On the other, there is the prospect of yet another round of hoping for a leopard to willingly change his spots.

The guy on the right is the inspiration for The Police’s “Don’t Stand So Close to Me”

(Truth be told, I’m not waiting at all but I’m loyal to a fault and I will do as directed, even if I get a little Ben Linus on occasion.) ci-59798115230130361

I had a moment yesterday when I wavered, when all my anger, frustration, and indignation threatened to cloud my mind and fill my eyes with tears. But I remembered to breathe, pray, and hold tight to my commitment to this Advent. I moved forward in more ways than one. Yesterday, I made a choice.

I’ve already owned my penchant for pettiness. Shoot, I even have the casual Fridays t-shirts to prove it. My pettiness is amusing at times, other times worthy of criticism. But it hasn’t held me back in the way my lack of self-confidence does. Oh sure I’ll dance on stage or on the streets with little practice. I’ll take the mic and put together a speech on the fly. But my career has been stifled by my inability to see myself as a leader. I have worked for twice as long as several peers who are at the helm their own ships. Yesterday, through the darkness of my emotions, I found the strength to own that my time has arrived. It is my time to lead, guide, and shepherd. I have vision, purpose, and integrity; now I am emboldened by the courage to stand alone.

At the end of a stressful workday or any day for that matter, I have to answer to myself, my family, and my God. How have I been the best version of myself today? How am I going to be the best version of myself tomorrow? Soon, I will live out the answers to these questions in the spotlight. My mistakes will be my own. My decisions will be my own. I will struggle and fail but I will learn. That in turn will help me grow in the woman I was born to be.

While I may be tempted to take Hot Sauce out my bag and mess up a window or two, I can’t let others’ tomfoolery make me resort to my worst self. I am finally going to fix myself some long overdue lemonade. beyonce-car

These hands will have to stick to prayer and to getting my paperwork together for my next job. God will continue to give me the strength and patience.

Wayward shepherd

Nov27

“’And I’m the tyranny of evil men. But I’m tryin’. I’m tryin’ real hard to be a shepherd.’” Pulp Fiction, Quentin Tarantino

As I did exactly a year ago(An Advent first), I began my Advent fast after evening Mass. The morning has been one of silence: the silence of a smartphone used merely as phone and not social media device, the silence involved with a nutritional cleanse, and as hoped annually, the silence of prayer. I prayed the Liturgy of the Hours for the first time in months. It felt wonderful to be grateful and to be still. However, soy realista and I own who I am. This will be a struggle as it was last year(Ruining Advent.) It’s possible that by tomorrow, my emotions will get the best of me and my thoughts will run ragged. Como decia Cantinflas, ahi esta el detalle.

My biggest challenge isn’t my compulsion to be online. It is my propensity for negative emotions and thoughts.

Gossip, sarcasm, and shade throwing may be humorous and entertaining but they also allow me to give voice and free reign to anger, resentment, and meanness. As evidenced by this year’s Kermit meme of the moment(and I do love me some Kermit, My love of Kermit memes), everyone struggles with their dark side.
I’m not the only one who feels that the f@#*ery is too much at times. But I’m the only person who can control how I act and think given the situations and people around me.

Recently, within hours of declaring myself unwilling to deal with negative online conversations about the election(Holding the door open,) I became engaged in an online debate about immigration with someone I’ve known since the eighth grade. In the past, we’ve been able to respectfully disagree. This time, I couldn’t believe the angry tone that was taken. While I pointed out facts, my acquaintance responded with vitriolic statements. When I realized I couldn’t argue with logic and reason, I took the step of silencing the discussion by blocking my account.

I flirted with the idea of sharing screen shots of the conversation or of composing a blog about the situation. I’m glad I didn’t follow through on those actions. I would have gained nothing other than temporary satisfaction. While I’m hilarious when I’m petty, I do more good when I keep those cruel thoughts quiet.

The daily struggle will be one mostly within me. I will have to be mindful and purposeful. Every day, I will have the opportunity to be my best self. Every day will be another day to sustain the peace offered by silence and compassion. May I fast from the noise of anger.

Revealing relapse

Aug7

“There is trouble in the air, destruction is everywhere
And men are being trampled beneath the soil
And nations, great and small, have now begun to fall
Oh come let us go back to God, go back to God” written by Thomas Dorsey, as sung by Donnie McClurkin

When I talk about backsliding, I often mean it negatively. When I backslide, I’m going to back old, often negative, habits and ways of thinking. Like every normal person, I have times when I’m disciplined, motivated, and therefore feeling and being successful. If I “relapse” into past behavior, it is usually because I’m exhausted, demoralized, and struggling physically, mentally, and/or emotionally. Life goes in cycles. It’s never a journey of point A to point B. So why do I hold myself to that unrealistic black and white thinking? What if “going back” has its benefits?

Para los que me conocen, y’all know I’m often goal-driven. I take on reading challenges, savings challenges, and prayer challenges. I train for half-marathons and for street performances of various choreographies. I do weeklong class hops, novenas of daily masses, 40 day fasts, and multi-week fitness programs. But I don’t always complete these goals to the best of my ability. Sometimes I don’t complete them at all. Then I spend some time beating myself up about those failures. Fortunately, time and life experience has taught me to seek humility. Life has taught me that failure is a good time to turn back to God.

I said it. As important as my faith life is to me, God doesn’t always come first. “Well, I guess we won’t go to Mass Carnaval weekend because I’m not about to sit in church in my costume.” God doesn’t always fit on a busy schedule. While I thank God when I’m succeeding, I spend less time with Him while I’m busy working towards that success. I’m going, going, going. Literally and figuratively running. A quick grace over a rushed meal. Half a rosary done on the commute from one family activity to another. I don’t build in time for devotion.

It is in times of struggle and failure that I truly give myself over to God. When I’ve been diagnosed with illnesses, I have stood with God. When I’ve struggled with work situations, I have had long, emotional conversations with God. When I have lost loved ones, I have found comfort from God. Where human motivation and individual goals waver, God is constant.

I know I have lots of work to do in the next few months. I will make my faith life part of that work. Going back to God is wonderful. Staying with Him must be a goal.

A reader’s reflections

Apr3

By Emily Dickinson

“We are all connected. You can no more separate one life from another than you can separate a breeze from the wind.” Mitch Albom

“To survive you must tell stories.” Umberto Eco

Tengo mucho que hacer and yet I always make time, somehow, when my alma mater comes calling. Every year, I read scholarship essays. I may have to carve out time between mommy duties after busy workdays. It is time well spent.

My task is to read 25 scholarship applications in a week’s time. The applicants are asked to detail their extracurricular activities and respond to three short essay prompts. They are asked to discuss their lives, their leadership, and their goals. As a former English teacher and Upward Bound teacher, I have spent hours helping high school students tell their story to colleges in a way that is authentic and compelling. It is no easy task. The scholarships for which I serve as a reader are earmarked for first-generation college students. More often than not, these young people balance family caretaking and part-time jobs with their busy schedules of honors and AP classes, club meetings, practices, and volunteer work. Their stories are worth hearing.

During my recent reading gig, I read stories that have made an impact on me. While some applications were less than engaging, there were some who stood out. My heart ached for the student with a lifelong health challenge. I felt teary-eyed for the young farmer whose reflections on love of land and animals were wise and poignant. I pondered the limitless courage of the child who raised both parents while they battled addiction. While I may never know whether or not these young people won the awards or admission, I did my small part to help.

I cannot lose sight of the opportunities I was given. I was one of those students. Someone saw my potential and helped me. I will not stop offering those opportunities to others. In return, I am blessed with the gifts of inspiration and motivation. I am reminded of my purpose.

Image by Tom Grey

My choice

Sep6

“The haters gonna hate, hate, hate…” Taylor Swift, “Shake It Off”

What would it be like to begin each day in anger? What would it be like to step out of my car and feel my breath get shallow, my neck stiffen, my stomach seize, and my jaw clench? What would cross my mind as I enter a room full of people I can’t stand? How would I address these people whom I fail to understand and respect? I might rush away from them, to my own work space, to my daily duties, to the clients and their incessant complaints. How would I make it through each second, each minute, each day, with my heart pounding away in rage?

I wouldn’t. I would drop dead. If the physical toll didn’t force me to a doctor’s office, I would quit. I once left my car in an apartment complex parking lot, took BART all the way from Berkeley to San Leandro, walked three miles to my mom’s house after 11 at night because I couldn’t take a tense, angry environment. That’s me. I truly cannot understand how it is physically and mentally possible to live that way.

Now has M said that I have moments in which I’m mad like Ren in that one episode of Ren and Stimpy?

Yes. Am I sometimes enojona?

Yes. I’m human. I’m as overscheduled and overwhelmed as the next person. But am I constantly negative? Hell no. I’ve invested too many hours(and therefore lots of money)into redirecting my mind to a place of health and happiness. Nothing will move me back to that low place. Life is too precious.

As happens in life, I do cross paths daily with folks who struggle to see things the way I do. In fact, they criticize and reject me(if only behind closed doors.)

Now I may fantasize about going down several levels and reacting in anger.

But I won’t give them the satisfaction. Instead, I breathe deeply. I smile. I speak my truth. I keep my goals in mind. When I get into the comfort of my vehicle at the end of a rough day, I listen to my favorite gospel singer. When I get home, I speak to my man and call or text my friends for advice. I send funny memes to others affected by these people. I hug my child. I pray for comfort. I pray for the strength to be kind.

“You can get with this,

or you can get with that,

I think you’ll get with this, for this is where it’s at”

Because as the Black Sheep once said, the choice is yours. I choose to move forward in love and joy.

Nothing but blue skies

Jul29

transcribed from longhand journal entry

July 27, 2007
I’m sitting under the broad blue sky of the Embarcadero. It is amazingly beautiful in San Francisco today, the kind of day that’s always featured in movies located in the City, but ones that seem rare to us bridge and tunnel types as we emerge from trains or cars in the wrong clothing for foggy weather. The day is warm and clear. The American flag at the top of the Ferry Building waves lazily as an occasional bay breeze passes. The pigeons and gulls are surprisingly politely, some folded up neatly like origami birds on the lawns. It is a blessed day.

I had my first(I’m embarassed to admit it but I disdain City hipsters and never wanted to be one) taste of the fabled The Slanted Door. I had 5 spice chicken vermicelli and a steamed veggie bun as I sat cross-legged in the sun, listening to the fountain in Justin Herman Plaza. I came out to the City again, this time to get my bib number, timing chip, and new CoolMax shirt for Sunday’s half-marathon.

Though the loud taunts of an adult skateboarder(that’s an oxymoron right?) against a nonchalant business type temporarily raises my anxiety, I am calm. I am free. Free from work for at least 9 more days. Free from self-imposed exile in my little house in the East Bay. Free from last night’s nightmares. Free from the past few weeks’ regrets and vicissitudes. Here and today, I have grass, trees, water, sky, and people. I have pen and paper. I can breathe.

As I did yesterday, I choose to love the world.

Mujer Evolving

musings on the personal, political, pop cultural, and maternal

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