See what had happened was I got tears in my eyes, just waiting for you to say that same shit I been hearing since I was fifteen, you a cool friend and a great girl but I just don’t feel that way. That’s why I couldn’t look at you right then cuz I was waiting for the knife to be plunged into my stomach. I even pictured a samurai, good old Mifune, looking so damn stoic but not me, I probably looked like I was about to cry and I was. I listened, heard what I did not expect. And then my laughter. I was wrong for the first time in a million years and I picked up my messy heart and put it back in my pre-Columbian maiden chest where it started to beat for you. Whose lips, whose tongue, I don’t remember and it don’t matter because you called me tiger. I had to rush to the bathroom and I think I ran into a chair or something because my arm was bleeding(I hope the scar stays forever)when I looked into the bathroom mirror. My face all flushed, all that wavy hair and that mouth you had kissed. Out into the mist, laughter as we leaned against the car door, quick let’s get back to the room, who’s gonna drive, me buzzin off the beer but mostly off you, my dream, my fantasy, my hope. Stumbling in a parking lot, don’t remember the elevator ride, but I remember the darkness of the room, which lamp was on? I remember starting to weep and I remember you. I said you were going to ruin my life but maybe I said that the next day. In either case, I lied. My life became beautiful that night.

The alarm went off around 7 this morning. I had plans to get to 9am Mass with my family. After last night’s indulgence in food and merengue(no alcohol, though, guess that Lenten fast has depleted my craving for it), I feel a little dizzy and nauseous. In all honesty, I’m finding mornings difficult lately. Ever since I got home from Nashville, rising just is not the same.

My depression is waning. The negative thoughts that once ruled my mind are few and far between and balanced alternative thoughts take their place. I look for evidence. I go back to affirmations. My daily mood scales have been consistently high and my daily activity log shows that the negative moods connected with certain activities are practically gone. Then there are recent memories. These are what make my mornings harder, if only in that I’m moving a lot more slowly than usual.

So, today, I stayed in bed. Closed my eyes but could not sleep. Hugged my pillow because I can’t hug the man I miss. And remembered.