I still wonder if everything will turn out well for me. I want so badly to be well. I want so badly to feel as happy and strong as I was before the events of this past year. On some days, I feel whole and I am renewed by the new tools I have obtained. I am full of hope.

But other times, like this cold afternoon, alone in my big house, my left leg hurting again in that old bruise, tears in my eyes and throat, I feel damaged, vulnerable, weak, lost. I want to close my eyes and be someone else, someone who didn’t allow others to have so much power over their life. I want to not be a borderline personality. I want to be happy.

Sucks to be….

I should be making my bed so I can do my training run. I signed up for the Vegas half-marathon this week, even booked my flight.
I have been sitting in my room, crying like it is July 3rd and not October 7th.
My heart is foolish.

The first weekend

without my bff. It feels strange. True, I have been without a best friend in the past. The DJ and I stopped being best friends a long time ago, even before last month’s decision to truly disconnect myself from him. But not having someone to confide in or laugh at my silliness makes me feel a bit lonely. I have many people to talk to, most of whom are supportive and loving. Now I just have to accept that for the next four months, I won’t have my best friend around at all. It will be a test of my friendship with myself.