The spoils

Apr11

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“The river of addiction flows

You think it’s hot, but there won’t be no water

When the fire blows…” Pop Life by Prince

So you win

Again

you break rules and people’s trust

yet you’re never sorry

but you’re the sorriest excuse

you’re an insult

to the profession

There won’t ever be a confession

but we have our suspicions

we know you ain’t got inhibitions

you stay the object of our derision.

Make the right decision

get your sorry self out the way

you only stay

to make us pay.

Day after day

you play a role

But you don’t fool us.

This time you got one over

and that’s not right

So you win

again

never accountable

never responsible

never willing to accept or reflect

You stay lying to yourself

and those obliged to listen

but you’re the sorriest excuse

you’re a disgrace

I stopped being able to look you in the face

You’re lucky I didn’t catch a case

and let hands do what mind has pondered

too much energy was squandered

trying to get you to step up

or step away

but we won’t play.

This time you got one over

But you won’t ever be right

In the mind or in your life.

You won

but tick tock tick tock

we will run out the clock.

If I were you I would take stock

and start planning my retreat.

The universe won’t be beat

You best get right

Or you might finally

Lose.

Boy, bye; How I stopped being so scared of evil

Mar5

Illustration in my Children’s Bible

The Gospel on the first Sunday of Lent describes Jesus’s temptation in the desert. Jesus is tempted by the devil. The devil is an instigator. He is manipulative especially as he constantly seeks to gain power. Going after Jesus is evidence of the arrogance, narcissism, egoism that comes with being evil. Jesus is able to resist. He is all powerful. Jesus demonstrates the strength and authority needed to resist temptations that we all experience. We all want to attend to our immediate needs. I’m starving so let’s turn these rocks into bread. We want youth, physical strength, and immortality. I’m going to drink my liver into disease because it feels good. Because I’m young, I’ma be all right. We want wealth and power. Life owes me these things. Jesus rises above those desires. He sees the ultimate goal. The 40 days have been a test. They’ve been physically hard but he has stayed faithful and strong. He is preparing for what is going to be more difficult. He is finding the discipline before he begins his ministry. Jesus does not fear the devil and sends him away like the nuisance he is.

I grew up very fearful of the devil (What I learned watching The Exorcist). I was much too young(six!) to learn about possession, that the devil was a real entity that could take over a person. It made me much more fearful than my daughter is at that age. On the other hand, I grew up as a spiritual child. I was drawn to the Bible. I was reading the Catechism of the Catholic Church and the Gospel of Luke at age 7 because I wanted to do so. One reason I haven’t exposed to her more horror movies or pop culture interpretations of the devil is I find them scary. About 15 years ago, I made a survey and asked my friends when they first saw The Exorcist and what were its long-term effects. I continued to do other readings about exorcism. Those fears stuck with me.

r12mwv Now I’m older and I have had life experiences with different facets of evil. I’m not fearful because I know good prevails. I’ve done a lot of writing about my thoughts as I “exorcised “a “devil.” (My second career as an exorcist) I gained a lot of strength from those experiences. I may laugh when I say “the devil is a lie” and “not today, Satan” but those are true statements. I have been able to look at that evil, at that enemy, to look it in the face and say I’m not afraid of you. That’s powerful.

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Father Tomas is played by Rebelde cutie Alfonso Herrera

On a related note, while dealing with real-life drama, the TV show, The Exorcist, premiered on Fox. While it wasn’t a ratings hit, it was a critical hit and a hit in my household. We watched it every week and analyzed it. I connected it back to what I was living. I found parts of it hilarious. I would argue it is better than the original novel and original film. Those were good but the TV show’s acting and writing took it to another level. Geena Davis was brilliant. The show explored what is happening in the church regarding the role of lay people, the role of women, and the behind the scenes politics which you may not know about if you haven’t been involved in ministry. I like that the show spoke to the power of family and faith. As I wait along with other fans to learn if the show will get renewed, I would recommend binge-watching on Hulu or Fox. Don’t be too scared. Y’all know who wins and who always will.

Watch Season 1 of The Exorcist

Jesus saying “Largate!”

An epilogue

Jan15

Caral, Peru. Photo by J. Calderon, 2014.

“..we found you lying

Choking on the dirt and sand

Your former glories and all the stories

Dragged and washed with eager hands

But, oh, your city lies in dust…” “Cities in Dust” by Siouxsie and The Banshees

A terrible situation I have experienced for many years recently ended. (Year of milagros) Though I claimed I would samba in joy, I didn’t. Nor did I throw confetti, pop bottles or make it rain. Certain routines feel awkward. Certain places bring back memories. The reality of victory is simply that, a reality. Life has moved forward quietly.

I do ask if it’s really over. I wonder if my work with this particular situation is done.(My second career as an exorcist)Call it PTSD (though I don’t like to, given my personal experience loving someone with true PTSD) or shock, I have moments when I brace myself for more fighting. After years of experiencing abuse, it will take time to resolve these reactions.

I wonder about the other party. Has this person reflected on choices made and actions taken? Can this person heal? I don’t have it in me to truly hate this individual. Deep inside, underneath layers and strata, yes strata, of God only knows what, this person is in so much pain. It is a pain so visceral and so overwhelming that it has terrorized others for decades. That’s some mierda. I will continue to lift this person up in prayer. Fix this person, Jesus.

Though I say “icant”

My secretary gave me this paperweight for Christmas. To know me is to love me.

or “I’m unable to can”

Team Petty. T-shirt collection to prove it.

for a laugh or to keep from cursing on the daily, I know I can. Taking on a malicious individual has taught me that I can stand strong. I can fight back without compromising my better self. I can win.

Year of milagros

Dec30

“They don’t always happen when you ask

And it’s easy to give in to your fears…

A small but still resilient voice

Says hope is very near…” From “When You Believe”

Nearly five years ago, I organized a musical variety show with dance performances by family and friends for my 40^th birthday party.(Turning 40) Originally I had planned to do a lip sync duet of one of my favorite diva power ballads, “When You Believe” but the number was eventually shelved. mariah-carey-whitney-performed-when-you-believe-during This particular Oscar-winning song is a favorite not only because it features two great singers, Whitney and Mariah, in all their diva glory; it’s also an uplifting anthem from one of Rambo’s favorite Bible-inspired films, The Prince of Egypt. The movie follows a young Moses as he realizes his call to deliver his people. The lyrics adequately capture the struggle to remain faithful to your mission and purpose in the face of challenges. It isn’t a theme song for a 40^th birthday; it’s a theme song for any year and any occasion.

I have been pondering those song lyrics in the last day or so. Because despite moments straight out of the Twilight Zone 15727206_236100280160973_5711380463324119652_n and the very real tears I shed for Prince and Juan Ga, 14191976_10154684379132784_285972347186439489_n

this was a year of miracles. It is a miracle I didn’t undergo major surgery this year. It is a miracle I didn’t put these hands on certain individuals. It is a miracle I fought and ultimately vanquished an enemy. 15676564_10155117829802784_4985360818320789856_o This is not hyperbole. It is real. It happened. Prayers were answered. I experienced miracles. 191-jesus-casting-out-demons

No fue fácil. I can’t deny this has been a year of new challenges, ones I continue to confront daily. There are days when I weep, curse, and waver. As I have shared in previous posts, I pray. I pray at my desk at work. I pray in doorways. I pray in my car as I pull into parking spots. I pray before phone calls or face to face conversations. Prayer will continue to be a source of strength. As the title of this blog indicates, I push myself. I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone personally, professionally, emotionally, even physically this year. When I’m struggling to lift a weight or run that length, I think of my challenges, of those people and situations that are testing me. I push like hell. I may not be as strong as I want to be but I am not weak. I refuse to be.

I can’t get on the forget 2016 bandwagon. Every phase of our lives brings us pain, sorrow, success, and joy. It is my choice to receive and make miracles.

Mothering a warrior

Nov9

“…But in this country

there is war.” Lorna Dee Cervantes, from Poem For The Young White Man Who Asked Me How I, An Intelligent, Well-Read Person Could Believe In The War Between The Races

Within the hour, I will have to wake her. Last night, her closing prayers were “Bless this mess. Fix it Jesus. Amen.” My daughter asked, “Who won?” at 1 in the morning, and promptly rolled to her other side so that I could not answer her. Today, like so many other madres, I will have to answer to her and for her.

Mija, like so many little girls in this generation and those that came before her, her own mom included, idolizes Wonder Woman. We are excited for the movie which premieres in June 2017. ew-ww-39

My daughter has Wonder Woman t-shirts, hats, headband, dolls, and books. She identifies closely with this character, a woman who is brave, independent, and strong.

I am drawn to the character of Queen Hippolyta, Wonder Woman’s mother, and an amazing woman in her own right.

wonder-woman-rebirth-art-hippolyta

In the first movie trailer which debuted this past summer, Hippolyta tells Diana, aka Wonder Woman, “You have been my greatest love.” In the most recent trailer which debuted last week, Hippolyta calls out “Be careful, Diana” as her daughter embarks on a mission to go to war. Those two soundbites speak to what I’m feeling. How will I keep the person I love most safe in this world? How will I protect her? How will I prepare her to do battle?

The events surrounding the election are no surprise to me. I have seen the old ways of thinking and hating fester and spread; they never stop doing so.

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While I grieve the harsh truths the election reveals about many people in our nation, I accept reality. One of the things I told my daughter last night was that now would be our time to fight for what is right. 14938157_1366372526736820_5038582823904846037_n

So our mission begins.

After the battle

Nov5

So we took on the dragon. While I don’t know if it’s slain, I know it’s languishing in its respective corner.

Dragon

Meanwhile, I’m over in ours laid out. Tired. Spent.

Because, like the days following a half-marathon or the ressaca do carnaval, the days following a confrontation with an enemy are long. In that time, te pondras a pensar. You will ponder many things. I ponder my integrity and my identity.

Confrontation isn’t in my nature. I’ve gotten better over the last decade about standing up for myself. But I struggle with not becoming what I am fighting. I don’t want to be cruel, judgmental, resentful, or vindictive. I don’t like wishing the worst for others. While doing so may feel satisfying in the moment, it drains me in the long run. I would rather heal and help.

So how do I sustain myself? I go back to the familiar and the beloved. My child.

Family costume 2016: 50s Flashback

Books.

With the fabulous and hilarious Luvvie Ajayi

Laughter.

Photobombed at Grace Jones

Time outdoors.

Dance.

Flash Mob Tribute to Prince, September 2016

Family traditions. My faith.

My running club: Mis antepasados y muertitos queridos

I turn back to that which feeds my soul and that which reminds me of who I am. I am a mujer constantly evolving.

17 year old sideeye

Fox in Socks at 44

My second career as an exorcist

Sep23

St. Dymphna in full effect

I went into my career because of my first principles. I love to read. I love to write. I love to share ideas through conversation. I love to help others. So, fresh out of college, I stayed at my beloved alma mater, despite acceptance letters from prestigious East Coast universities(mi mama was upset about that for years), to get my teaching credential. I was 23 and I thought I was going to change the world and somehow also write the next great American novel. I’m 44 now. I have changed many lives, most importantly, my own, and my writing is still my true passion. I still love books and people. So how is it that in the past few years, I have found myself in the role of exorcist. Que? Como?

When I was six years old(be patient, y’all who know this story), my soccer playing dad would take us to the park every weekend so my mom could hang with her besties and all the kids would play in a huge multi-age pack. The big kids decided we could head to one of the soccer players’ home nearby and watch a movie on the Betamax. I was introduced to the horror movie that would stay with me por vida. I know a thing or two about fighting el chamuco and now I have real-life experiences. (Lessons from the Exorcist)Because while the devil may be a lie, evil is real, relevant, and very much embraced by many. Pick a city anywhere on the planet. Point your finger at someone you know. Evil is there, giving you the side eye of all side eyes.

Though I’m only a few years into fighting evil as part of my nine to five, I can tell you some must-dos. In no particular order:

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Fear is normal. My head aches. My stomach churns. My heart starts pounding like I’m six again and the nightlight just burnt out. Accept your fear. Feel it. Then move forward.

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Have a battle buddy. Find a mentor who is strong, tough, and stable. Your mentor, like mine, can serve as your coach and partner. This is not work you do by yourself. You will need someone to have your back. Work on the bond you share. You may have disagreements but you must share the same vision, mission, and purpose. Of course, the demon will attempt to divide and conquer. That won’t work if your team is strong.

Take care of yourself. Sleep (though it may be disturbed for a few days or weeks depending on the situation.) Eat clean. Hydrate. Pray or spend time in silence. Doing battle with evil is like preparing for a half-marathon or training for Carnaval without the glamour or fun. A weak warrior will fall.

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Finally, believe in the good work that you do. Believe in the good person you are and understand that this other individual is a hot mess for reasons beyond your control. If you’re a really good person, realize that somewhere underneath all that maldad, there is/was a good person who got lost along the way. Know that you are protecting others by taking on this challenge. Now let’s go get ‘em!

A fearless favorite

Mar28

When I was about 5 years old, maybe younger or slightly older, I remember watching a cartoon about a mongoose, Rikki-Tikki-Tavi.

From the 1975 Chuck Jones TV special

He befriended a British family after they moved into a house next to the garden he visited. He became close enough to them that he fought against his mortal enemies, Nag and Nagaina, a cobra couple. I distinctly remember Rikki’s red eyes, fast moves, and gutsiness. I remember how my heart pounded as I watched Rikki in battle. I couldn’t help but admire an animal that didn’t fear poisonous snakes.

Fast forward almost four decades. I recently read Rudyard Kipling’s story to M. She’s into chapter books now so an illustrated version of the classic short story was a good bedtime option. I told her how I had seen a cartoon of the story when I was around her age. She asked me if I was scared. I told her I was but that I believed in Rikki.

Given certain challenges I have faced recently, venomous snakes have been on my mind. (Blog about dealing with the snakes among us)It makes sense that my longtime admiration of the mongoose would resurface.

Y que?!?

In the last two weeks, I have downloaded and shared images, read National Geographic entries, and laughed at Snoop Dogg’s unbridled support of “mongooses.” A mongoose is a bold and quick fighter. My research has revealed that the mongoose’s nerve receptors have mutated so that a mongoose is immune to snake venom.

Yasss!!!!

It is undeterred by cobras, crocodiles, even lions. It embodies guts, cojones, ganas.

As someone who tends to choose flight over fight, I admire an animal that fights with all its sleek little body has. I can admit I fear intimidating foes. I may be able to stare into cold eyes but my heart is pounding. I’m waiting on those awful fangs. In confrontation, I choose to talk and usually(sometimes to my own chagrin)politely. I do stand firm. I may be cowering within but I won’t backpedal, waver, or cry, at least not in that moment of facing off against an opponent. I may not strike like a mongoose; maybe it’s not in my nature to fight like one.

Badassery in full effect

I still believe in Rikki. I still believe we all have the capacity to fight and win against a cobra.

#youtried

All I really need to know I learned watching The Exorcist

Sep20

“Especially important is the warning to avoid conversations with the demon. We may ask what is relevant. Anything beyond that is dangerous. He’s a liar. The demon is a liar. He would like to confuse us. But he will also mix lies with the truth to attack us. The attack is psychological, powerful. So don’t listen. Remember that. Do not listen.” Father Merrin to Father Karras, The Exorcist

For most of my life, my fear of evil understandably overwhelmed me. From my childhood ponderings about good and evil to my adulthood grappling with evil in the people I encountered in my personal life, I often felt passive and powerless. I often felt as if I had barely escaped a terrible fate. Working as a teacher and administrator in environments where violence was a harsh reality, I began to realize that societal evil could be battled through strength of mind and heart. If I could be stable, focused, and compassionate, I might be able to reach those affected by the negativity and hatred in the world. An incident with a particularly memorable student helped me reframe my thinking and lessen my fears. (Half-hour with the Devil, 2006) Changes in my personal life helped build my strength.

But evil ain’t goin’ nowhere. It’s everywhere. In Ferguson. In Oakland. It might even sit across the table from you at work. I come to the table, both literal and figurative, with all kinds of experience and training. But some people and the situations they create require a different set of skills and more importantly, a unique mindset. So I go back, way back, to a moment that shaped me. I go back to the movie that has had a strong impact on me, The Exorcist.

Lately I have realized that the horror film offers some practical advice. In preparing themselves to face a monstrous demon, the two priests must strategize. The veteran exorcist(for y’all who haven’t watched and dissected this movie dozens of times like I have, the title refers to the man with a tough job, not the poor girl victim)mentors his younger helper. He points out that even conversation can kill.

Y alli lo tienes. Because if you’ve read this far, you know I’m not talking about the movie. The advice given can apply to any situation in which you meet with someone who takes actions that purposefully hurt you or others and whose words are weapons. Speak your truth and shut out their negative energy.

I played this clip three times yesterday, once on my desktop and twice on my phone.Do Not Listen from The Exorcist

I played it before I went behind closed doors with my mentor to confront evil. We walked out safely. But the battle has just begun.

Perhaps I should acquire some holy water.

Half an hour with the Devil

Sep16

I do believe in the Devil. I’ve seen him. Live. Twice. Maybe a third time but it’s one I can’t remember at all and no one in the family will confirm my fear that something scary happened to me in Peru when I was ten. In any case, I have been afraid of the Devil for a long time. It started with a forbidden screening of The Exorcist when I was six years old. I had to sleep with a nightlight until I was eleven. Even now, nothing soothes me quite like light, be it a bright bulb in my bedroom painted like the sky or my favorite light, the sun. Being a good Catholic, I acknowledge the presence of evil in the world and I accept the existence of the Devil. Call it superstition or my trademark hysteria. But I know him. This week, I spent thirty minutes talking to him in my office.

The last time I encountered the Devil, I was ready to send a heavy glass ashtray into my monstrous ex-boyfriend’s skull. When his eyes burned into me with hatred, they were his cocaine-fueled glare but also the stare of someone else. Possession isn’t always about spinning heads and pea-soup vomit. We take evil into our bodies by choice. I know because to this day, I believe God kept me from giving in to that same awful presence. Had I surrendered, I might have assaulted Monster. I might have been taken away in handcuffs or on a stretcher and my life would have been different.

This week’s meeting with the Devil was different in many respects. I was not poised to attack anyone. The eyes that looked into my soul were filled with a mixture of fear, anger, pain, and sadness. There might have even been tears or perhaps those were mine. This time, I was talking to a child, one who was terribly defiant and loathsome, violently aggressive to everyone but me. I made every effort to convince him that his life of violence would end badly. I became a woman of great compassion. I truly felt love for this child who had threatened other lives. But I also felt the fear of something even more malevolent. In my heart, I begged for the Sacred Heart of Jesus. In my mind, I thought of Mary. Through my voice, I tried to be human to this boy–and to the evil. Because no matter how scared I was, I know that my tiny, weak humanity is my greatest strength.

I’m sicker than I have been in years. I can’t keep food down. It could be a virus, bad food, stress, all of these factors. Or it could be the aftermath of surviving yet another harrowing encounter with darkness.

Mujer Evolving

musings on the personal, political, pop cultural, and maternal

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