This #transformationtuesday was one of setbacks. As I commuted through a rainstorm, I felt hopeless and helpless. At work, I was in charge for the day while managing ongoing crises and beginning the annual round of state testing. After having been horribly shrill with M for the second morning in a row, I cried as I drove through traffic over the East Bay hills.
Those moments of feeling completely overwhelmed make me question my plans and goals. I don’t know if I should pursue them. I don’t know if I’m ready for a bigger leadership role. I want to feel like I’m making a difference for the community I serve. But there are other goals that are closer to my heart. I want to write. I want to be a good mom. I’m in the middle of the storm. I’m trying to seek the eye and maintain hope. It’s hard for me to believe I can move forward calmly, peacefully, and successfully; I don’t know that I have the strength.
I accept that I will experience these trying moments. Like the day when I pictured myself sitting in the desert with the sun bearing down on me, I feel the rain pouring down on me. It makes me feel cold and unsure. Entiendo que son cosas de la vida; knowing that doesn’t make those times any easier.