Audio diary entries

Transcribed from audio

July 30, Monday evening.
The goats are on the hill by Knowland Zoo Park in Oakland. Seeing them on the hillside always makes me happy. When I got back from Nashville, my sister in law share this awful news story. One of the trucks carrying the goats had overturned and the STUPID police refused to open the doors. They died of suffocation because the police were afraid they would run onto the highway. Hundreds of goats died.

I had returned, feeling suffocated myself by my own problems. Hearing about the goats saddened me. My high school friend L. used to call me Little Kid and Goat because of my love for little goats. They’re tough, tenacious, mischievous, headstrong, willfull, tercos like me.

I’m now listening to Fleetwood Mac’s “Sara”. This song always makes me cry. I am thinking of Soldier. But I’m also reminded of something Izzy said. He thinks of me as the crowbar, the person who was going to hop into a car, drive 500 miles to save him. That’s me. If that’s not what someone wants, I can offer it to someone else.

Driving downhill into Berkeley. 16 or 17 years have passed since I first came to school here, a lifetime. I sometimes think this was when I was at my best. I was writing like mad, fighting like mad. I was chaste then.(Laughter) Should have stayed that way, might have avoided drama. But I had it anyway. Ask my brother about that.

So I’m at Cal. No plan. Refocus and clear my head. Realized what I have. That’s more important than what I don’t.

Wednesday August 2
First time I’ve cooked dinner for myself in two months: fish, quinoa, asparagus spears, pink lemonade. Thanks Trader Joe’s!
Looking at my magnolia tree. Know the fog bank will be rolling in soon.
Had a rough day. After a marathon, I am high as a bat. I want to learn to moderate my emotions. I’ve always been highly emotional, which is a blessing and a curse. I want my emotions to be real and sincere, just not as extreme.
This past month has been a struggle. I had a wonderful vacation in New York and New Mexico. My friends and family have been incredible to me. I’m trying to be incredible to me, to nurture and soothe myself. This school year, I will need to take care of myself because I’m in for tough times.
I am lucky. I live in one of the most beautiful places in the US. I have this lovely house that is mine. I have wonderful pets. I have a wonderful life and I need to embrace that. I always lose sight and focus. I get lost in my own mind to the detriment of myself and my relationships with romantic partners and other loved ones. I want to make things right and that has to come from within.

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