I am back from my vacation and ready to face reality. Yes, I exhibit symptoms of borderline personality disorder. Yes, I hurt someone I love. Yes, I am committed to understanding and loving myself. Yes, I am going to heal.

No one makes BPD worse but the BP herself. The causes are myriad though genetics and upbringing often combine with negative results. But certain situations can trigger even the most high functioning BP. I know I am high functioning in that I have positive family relationships, a successful career, a solid post-graduate education, a stellar work history, and an incredibly supportive and compassionate group of friends. I am blessed and lucky. I am grateful for what I have and know it will give me strength to embrace what I do not and to seek what I want in a healthy, balanced manner.
Events in the past several months have exacerbated my depression and the panic(and subsequent rages). What follows is a rough timeline I hope to share with my therapists in the next few weeks:

October 2006:
increased alcohol abuse coincides with football season
work relationship with 3rd colleague deteriorates
tougher caseload than previous year
longtime platonic friend expresses romantic feelings, jealousy

November 2006:
negative end of friendship with longtime platonic friend
loss of my niece/nephew
My dear friend is diagnosed with liver cancer
(These last two events occur within one day of each other.)

December 2006:
best friend loses grandmother and leaves country
boss loses husband

January 2007:
failed affair with Romance triggers depression and suicidal thoughts
Soldier gets into car accident

February 2007-April 2007:
brief, stormy fling with Ambivalence
therapy for depression
Soldier goes to jail

April 2007:
become romantically involved with Soldier(this is positive but triggers fears/anxieties as it is the first romantic relationship I have had in 4 years.)
Ambivalence verbally attacks me when he learns of my new relationship

May 2007:
colleague loses husband
best friend leaves for cross-country sabbatical
Brett dies
work relationship with Mingles deteriorates after he openly says my relationship with Soldier is solely due to grief over Brett
friendship with Work Mommy deteriorates after friend’s death

June 2007:
Memorial
Work Mentor takes job in other district

June 28, 2007:
arrive in Nashville, no contact with Soldier for 24 hours

June 29, 2007:
attempt to fly home

June 30, 2007:
worst panic attack to date

July 2, 2007:
worst rage in nearly a decade

July 6, 2007: possible diagnosis