“In the beginning…”
The last three days have been about recovery and recovering. I am almost used to the Pacific time zone again and the East Bay heat(so different from the humidity of Tennesee.) I have almost recovered my appetite. But I have definitely faced a negative core belief, the destructive “I am not good enough to be loved.” My mother and I have been on quite a journey.
I don’t blame my mother for my insecurity(and related anxiety problem). But I do understand how my upbringing may have led to some of my unhealthy thinking and behavior. She acknowledged that telling me I was ugly and evil whenever I misbehaved was wrong. She acknowledged that making me responsible for my younger brother starting at age 7 made me strive to meet unrealistic expectations. The last two days have been about talking with my mother about some truths and facts. She now knows what is happening in my personal life and in my therapy. She now knows what thoughts drive me to hurt myself and those I love. We don’t always agree, and more than likely never will on some points, but for the first time in a long time, I feel that Mom is at my side. I feel that Mom is letting me go but that she is also accepting me for me.
It only took 35 years.
Yesterday afternoon, I was down. Mom came over to my house and she read me like only she can. And while the subsequent conversation hurt(Mom delivered an ultimatum that reminded me of yours truly in my worst moments), we were able to resolve key issues. Most importantly, for the little girl in this 35 year old woman’s body, Mom told me I was a good person, that she did love me, and that her love would be unflagging. She stayed the night to make sure I slept. I did.
In other news, I had complete blood work done yesterday. Everything is functioning as it should: blood cells, kidney, liver, even the thyroid(which my physician feared was malfunctioning.) A few more test results and I’ll feel relief. I also signed up for an anxiety class and may decide to join an anxiety group. My therapist was able to set an appointment with me for this afternoon. I’m doing what I need to do to be good to me.
Tomorrow is my birthday. But today I feel like I am being born.