Gaining clarity on Ambivalence

Contrary to popular belief, it is not easy for me to talk about my personal life and the people in it. While it is true that I once made a name for myself both in high school and college by discussing my real-life situations and issues, I am sometimes embarassed, shy, and uncomfortable. It is easier to talk in code, be vague, and sometimes not discuss something(or someone) at all. Still, I pride myself on my honesty and writing has always been my outlet so I have decided to talk about Ambivalence.

Ambivalence was my rebound after Romance. An athletic professional Latino, he struck me as low-key and mellow. Our first date was the dream first date: great conversation, polite sparks(yes, such a thing is possible and way more exciting than my usual m.o.), and a first kiss felt around the universe. Our second date was full of chemistry so palpable a woman at a nearby table gave us a bouquet of flowers she had received for her birthday. She said it was wonderful to watch us together. A few glasses of wine and a belly dance demonstration took us into territory I had hoped to postpone. Never one for phone calls, Ambivalence practically disappeared after that. By then, my depression had progressed and other people and situations took precedence.

I was honestly surprised when Ambivalence made good on his promise to attend my Oscar party. My Oscar party is probably one of those most important dates of the year to me. It is not so much about celebrity outfits or winning movies as it is about gathering my best friends in my house. I cook and pull out all the stops to make my guests feel special. This year, everyone get an Oscar-winning DVD. But to get back to Ambivalence, I had invited him to my Oscar bash on our second date and had very mixed feelings about his attendance. That particular Sunday was an emotional one, given what was happening with a close friend and our parting conversation that afternoon. When Ambivalence arrived, I became ambivalent. Maybe this was a sign. Maybe I needed to give him another chance. Ambivalence impressed my best friends, my brother, and my mother. He stayed after all the other guests left and apologized for his behavior. We shared a few kisses and he asked me out again, not knowing I was headed to the Catholic Planet or back into therapy.

Not surprisingly, Ambivalence went back to his usual behavior. I got a trite text message about his stock problems and how he would need to cancel our third date. Later, I got a text message apology. Over the last month, more of the same: rude endings to phone conversations, invitations that are taken back because of the stock market or work. Meanwhile, I have been processing through my own problems with self-esteem and self-doubt. I have to come to accept that Ambivalence isn’t adding anything to my life but negative energy.

I browsed through the Craigslist personals this weekend. Ambivalence has reposted the same two ads that caught my attention back in late January. They are the same, word for word. They must be templates. In any case, I had to smile. It’s his loss.

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