Being real

“Left unattended, a Cancer is likely to end up panhandling.” J. Calderon

There are times when I wonder if my being religious is worthwhile. It’s a blasphemous thought but more so one of doubt and fear. Then I realize that my faith is the one thing that sustains me through everything, no matter how scared I am. Right now, I am terrified. I am afraid of revealing too much of myself, of risking my heart and integrity, but most of all, I am scared that I am going to be end up alone for the rest of my life.

You see? I didn’t need to down a half-dozen drinks and bend over a toilet to tell you that. Because for all my jokes about being an old maid or a spinster, I wonder if my greatest fear isn’t fast becoming a hard reality.

Still, God is good. My faith has given me my voice. I may not be the woman all the guys talk to at the bar or club. I may not be a charismatic leader, one who feels at ease in front of an auditorium of disgruntled employees. But when the word of God is before me, I’m something altogether. When I’m in church, I feel safe, loved, valued, and whole. So many times I have prayed for a religious vocation(Please God, help me want to be a nun.) As the years pass, it has not happened. Besides, my body and mind react to the outside world in another way altogether. For example, yesterday: I see a handsome heartbreaker at a football game and I want to bury my face in my pillow, pondering the lyrics to Marvin Gaye’s “I Want You.” God has something else in store for me but I often cover my ears to his message.

I am a stronger person now than I have ever been. God has held my hand through disease, heartbreak, stress, and change. I know He will continue to journey with me. I know if I do end up dressing saints(for those of you who don’t already know, that means spending my life alone), He will show me why that should be. But He won’t let my emotional messiness or melancholy streak get the best of me.

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