In honor of my birthday, I thought I would post my current nominee for the best of Craigslist. Observe what happens when an unsuspecting Man Seeking Woman poster makes his preference and status All-Caps obvious.

TRANSLATION – Re: Handsome LAWYER seeking smart, outgoing, ASIAN girl

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Handsome Lawyer says:
When it comes to making stuff, doing things, and taking a little risk, you’re totally down for it, knowimsayin’?

Translation:
See how I concatenated “know what I am saying” into one word…One word people, freaking genius!

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Handsome Lawyer says:
You own a monkey’s paw with two wishes left.

Translation:
Alert Asian ladies – I am so down with your culture.

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Handsome Lawyer says:
You know the difference between stalactites and stalagmites, and, even if you didn’t, you’d still care

Translation:
And if you are Asian, I don’t care.

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Handsome Lawyer says:
You have zero tolerance for nonsense like astrology, reincarnation, ghosts or spirits, new age, UFOs, or ancient astronauts other than John Glenn

Translation:
But you are cool with anal.

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Handsome Lawyer says:
Finally, and this is important, you totally dig the ^#%^%events I go to amuse myself

Translation:
I am so awesome that it would be PG-13 to describe the events I go to. Using symbols instead of curse words – that’s how I roll.

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Handsome Lawyer says:
Pay no attention to that Post Office flyer, as it repeats scurrilous canards

Translation:
Shift + F7 = Instant intellect

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Handsome Lawyer says:
I read all sorts of things, like the history not taught in school

Translation:
You wasted $150,000 on an education you could have got for a buck fifty in late charges at the public library.

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Handsome Lawyer says:
Zero interest in sports, unless they involve komodo dragons

Translation:
Seriously, Asian ladies this means you.

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Handsome Lawyer says:
I’m always looking up words, people, places, and strange things

Translation:
There is this newfangled thing called “Google” that I just discovered.

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Handsome Lawyer says:
But it could easily have been a mix of ELO, ethno-funk, and electric blues

Translation:
I’m sorry, I totally just blacked out for a moment. Where am I?

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Handsome Lawyer says:
I’m really fond of bad action movies and the B&W SF films from the fifties where you can see the seams and wires for the monsters.

Translation:
The final dance scene in “Center Stage” is my life’s inspiration.

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Handsome Lawyer says:
Like you, I’ve been to places where pavement blends with cobblestone as the new encroaches upon the old.

Translation:
Have you heard of this bar called “Matrix?”

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Handsome Lawyer says:
My metal sculpture never sold particularly well, but people always like it.

Translation:
I dabble in freebase drugs.

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Handsome Lawyer says:
I can write and do graphic design…configure Apache under Linux

Translation:
That jaunty Windows Paperclip has taught me everything I need to know!

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Handsome Lawyer says:
I enjoy Asian food immensely—Korean, Indian, Vietnamese, Chinese, etc., it’s all good—and I’ve been to many of the establishments. I really like dogs.

Translation:
I know how you Asians are fond of eating dogs.

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Handsome Lawyer says:
A nice friendship if it turns out we’re not right for dating.

Translation:
What’s a little date rape between friends anyway, right?

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Handsome Lawyer says:
Ciao!

Translation:
I am going to go kill myself now.