Always the bridesmaid

It is easy to get cynical and jaded. We live in a Fast Food Nation, a capitalist world economy, a Lonely Planet. Of course, when you have been the sardonic one with the black sense of humor since the 6th grade, it is difficult not to become hardened, even calcified by bitterness. I, fortunately, have evolved differently. I have gone from antisocial, foul-tempered, and caustic to sociable, easygoing, and slightly bitchy. I am a kinder, gentler version of my teenage and twentysomething self. I hit my 30s and hit my proverbial stride. In all areas, except one. I’m single.

I know I often argue for the amazing gift of singledom. Don’t get me wrong. I have worked my chubby ass off to get to this point where I’m not stifled by depression or self-loathing. I don’t ponder self-mutilation or suicide. I don’t have hour-long crying spells(maybe once in a great while but they’re usually combined with intense prayer and meditation). I love my life. Still, I’m human and I do still yearn to have a love life.

In the past few days, I have received happy news. Lisa’s Frances is expecting her first child. My Frannie just got engaged. My brother and his fiancee have found a church for their wedding and set the date. I am truly happy for everyone. They are all deserving people and I look forward to being part of their celebrations. There is a part of me that wonders when my turn will come.

I have not lost hope. No one can predict when their life will change for better or worse. We can’t know who will change our lives until they do. All we can do is live good lives. And wait.

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